Saturday, August 1, 2015

On MMXXL*

MMXXL IS A CINEMATIC MASTERPIECE

MMXXL IS THE GREATEST FILM EVER MADE

IF MMXXL DOESN'T WIN EVERY OSCAR AVAILABLE NEXT YEAR I WILL BURN THE WORLD DOWN

ALTERNATIVE OSCARS THAT MMXXL COULD ALSO WIN: MOST GRINDING; LEAST HATE; BEST USE OF MALE PECTORAL MUSCLES; BEST UNORIGINAL SOUNDTRACK; MOST DELIGHTFUL USE OF PONY IN A GENDER-REVERSED, FLASHDANCE-INSPIRED CARPENTRY DANCE ROUTINE

MMXXL HAS NO PLOT AND IT DOESN'T NEED ONE BECAUSE PLOT IS FOR AMATEURS AND SNOBS WHO DON'T UNDERSTAND THE DELIGHTS OF WATCHING RIPPED AND GRINNING MEN HIP-THRUST CROWDS OF WOMEN INTO PAROXYSMS OF HORRIFIED DELIGHT

DONALD GLOVER IS REALLY REALLY RIDICULOUSLY GOOD-LOOKING AND SINGS AWFUL CHEESY LOVE SONGS WHILE WEARING A BLAZER AND NO SHIRT

HE ALSO WEARS A PORK PIE HAT IT IS THE WORST-BEST THING

DONALD GLOVER AND MATT BOMER ARE FAUX-DEEP AND CHARMINGLY MORONIC AND THE FILM IS BOTH AWARE AND HAPPY FOR THEM

DESPITE HIS PERFECT PERFECT BONE STRUCTURE MATT BOMER IS ONE OF THE LEAST SEXUAL MAN TO EVER GRACE A FILM OR TV SCREEN BUT MMXXL DON'T CARE

MATT BOMER'S CHARACTER IS INTO REIKI BECAUSE OF COURSE HE IS

THESE CHARACTERS ARE BARELY TWO-DIMENSIONAL BUT WHY WOULD YOU BOTHER WASTING POTENTIAL DANCE TIME TO BUILD DEPTH WHEN YOU COULD JUST GIVE THEM EACH A SINGLE, PERFECT DEFINING HOBBY/INTEREST/WHATEVER

ARTISANAL FRO-YO

EXACTLY

CHANNING TATUM

CHANNING TATUM

CHARMING POTATO IS 74% LABRADOR AND 100% DELIGHTFUL

CHARMING POTATO GOT MOVES

WHY CHARMING POTATO INSISTS ON MAKING OTHER FILMS WHEN HE COULD JUST BE MAKING STEP UP, SHE'S THE MAN AND MAGIC MIKE IS BEYOND ME SINCE THESE ARE CLEARLY THE BEST FILMS OF THE LAST DECADE AND ALSO THAT TORSO

SOME PEOPLE ARE HUNG UP ON THE FACT THAT THEY ARE NOT SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO CHARMING POTATO AND THIS IS COMPLETELY BESIDE THE POINT

OBVIOUSLY VERY FEW PEOPLE ARE ACTUALLY SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO CHARMING POTATO - I RECENTLY SAW HIM DESCRIBED AS A 6"1 BIG TOE WHICH SEEMED FITTING - YOU SHOULDN'T BE SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO LABRADORS THAT WOULD BE ILLEGAL

THE PLEASURES OF CHARMING POTATO LIE NOT IN HIS RIPPLING ABS AS IMPRESSIVE AS THEY ARE BUT IN HIS PHYSICAL DEXTERITY HIS EASY LAUGH AND HIS PUPPYDOG HEART

CHARMING POTATO SPENDS THE WHOLE OF MMXXL TRYING NOT CRACK UP AND YOU ARE RIGHT THERE WITH HIM

OBVIOUSLY THIS IS RIDICULOUS BUT WE ARE ALL SO HAPPY TOGETHER

MMXXL DOESN'T EVER TRY TO BE DARK OR BROODING AND SO SURPASSES MMOG BY ORDERS OF MAGNITUDE

AT NO POINT IN THIS FILM IS ANYONE MEANINGFULLY OR LASTINGLY UNHAPPY

SADNESS CANNOT PERSIST IN THE FACE/GROIN OF MALE ENTERTAINERS

MMXXL RESPECTS A MULTITUDE OF FEMALE DESIRES

SOME OF THESE DESIRES MIGHT SEEM DUMB - I WOULD RATHER DIE THAN BE SINCERELY SERENADED EVEN BY DONALD GLOVER WHO IS AS DISCUSSED REALLY REALLY RIDICULOUSLY GOOD-LOOKING - BUT MMXXL WANTS YOU TO DO YOU AND IT WANTS YOU TO BE HAPPY

THEY ONLY WANT TO MAKE WOMEN SMILE

WHITE WOMEN/BLACK WOMEN

THIN WOMEN/FAT WOMEN

YOUNGER WOMEN/OLDER WOMEN

STRAIGHT WOMEN/QUEER WOMEN

CHARMING POTATO NEVER HOOKS UP WITH THE POTENTIAL LOVE INTEREST BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T FANCY IT

HE MAKES HER SMILE AND THAT IS ENOUGH

ALTHOUGH EVERYONE IS LAUGHING ALL THE TIME IT IS NEVER AT THE WOMEN

FEMALE DESIRE IS NOT A PUNCHLINE

FEMALE BODIES ARE NOT A PUNCHLINE

THIS IS SUCH AN UNBELIEVABLE RELIEF

MMXXL IS SUCH A RELAXING HATE-FREE DELIGHT

MMXXL TAKES THE BOYS TO A DRAG SHOW WHERE THEY MAKE ZERO HOMOPHOBIC JOKES

STRIPPERS VOGUING AND HAVING A GREAT TIME AT A DRAG CLUB

MMXXL HAS TWO MEN SHARE A BED AND TALK ABOUT THEIR FEELINGS WITH ZERO HOMOPHOBIC JOKES

JADA PINKETT-SMITH TAKES NO SHIT

JADA PINKETT-SMITH MAKES OUT WITH WHOEVER SHE WANTS

JADA PINKETT-SMITH AND ELIZABETH BANKS HAVE A LOT OF SEXUAL ENERGY

JADA PINKETT-SMITH KNOWS THAT YOU ARE A QUEEN

ANDIE MCDOWELL, THAT BEAUTIFUL NICE LADY, KNOWS WHAT SHE WANTS AND SHE GETS IT

THE VERY ROUGH PLOT OF MMXXL INVOLVES THEM GOING TO A STRIPPING CONVENTION BUT IT ISN'T EVEN A COMPETITION THEY JUST FANCY IT AND THEY WANT TO DANCE

THE DAAAAANNNNCCCING

THE ENTHUSIASM

THE GRINDING


*This was originally written and emailed to many of my friends in the joyous and hysterical aftermath of seeing MMXXL at the beginning of July but it still stands and, since MMXXL doesn't seem to have got the box office it deserves, I wanted to make my appreciation official.

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